


The journey to tims

by BobsAFloof



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-06-26 15:57:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15666471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BobsAFloof/pseuds/BobsAFloof
Summary: Jump ship and the moldy muffins will consume your feet





	1. Guess we are going to tims

**Author's Note:**

> Just thought everyone could use some cheering up, and my thoughts on everything articulated perfectly and maturely.

Pidge was browsing the internet. She was on the deep dank web, browsing dabbing photos to use for pranking Keith. She was going to cover his room with dabs. And then the rest were to come. No one was safe. No o-

Hunk burst into her room.

"PIDGE! or is Katie better? Ah whatever, anyways, people are mad at season 7! They don't understand there's more to come in season 8, but we can't spoil anything! What are we going to do?!?!"

Pidge's head did a 360 degree turn toward him, a toothy grin plastered to her face.

"I will tell you what we are going to do. We are going to go find Adam. I know where he's hiding. It's-" 

Hunk shook his head. "But isn't he really dead? I was thinking just get Shiro to start talking more explicitly about his relationship with him, that's what would count a lot. But if you really want to..."

Pidge nodded aggresively. "Yes, we are going. And no, he's not really dead, did you see a corpse? Now come on, let's get the others."

Hunk briefly took a glance at her computer screen before leaving, seeing the cluster of dabbing. 

"What are you-"

Pidge's eyes turned red. "I will eat your head band like a soggy noodle then poop in your bed if you question my actions." 

Hunk sweat with fear. He dared not question her again. 

They gathered the others in the staff lunch room. Lance and Keith were still a burrito and hadn't unfused. 

"Now that everyone's here- GOD DAMMIT KLANCE UNFUSE THIS MOMENT! WE NEED TO HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION!" 

The burrito unfused into Lance and Keith, who looked equally disappointed as they squeezed each other's hand. 

"Did you bring us here to talk about how we will confess in season 8? Because I have a great idea to make it super dramatic and-" 

"SHHH SHH! NO! WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT YET! NOW SHUT UP AND LISTEN!"

Keith frowned as he whispered to Lance, "why has she gotten so mean..."

Lance shrugged. "War will do that to ya." 

Coran picked his nose and ate it. Great. 

"Why did you bring us here? I gotta get back to playing monsters and mana online, it's great! Did you know that-"

Pidge interrupted Coran, there was no way she was letting him finish all that. 

"-anyways, guys, we need to get Adam back, to talk to the public."

Shiro looked at her curiously. "But he's just a plot device for me. The plan is to talk about my gayness to Lance and or Keith next time around." 

Pidge sighed. "The fans are very upset. They don't seem to understand patience yields focus."

Keith exploded, glitter flying everywhere. Lance and Shiro looked unphased as they knew this is what happened. 

Everyone else looked afraid. The weaklings. Accept the glitter bomb.

Coran pointed at the glitter pile that was Keith, shaking in fear. "Did he just..." 

Pidge ate the glitter pile. "Yes. He will be fine, you will see him in the sewers later. Now..."

Lance tapped his foot impatiently. "How do we become canon now?"

Pidge huffed, irritated. "No. Not yet. I just want to get Adam back to talk to the fans. Shiro, you know where he is, right?" 

Shiro nodded. "Yeah. We're back together now, but we weren't planning to in the show. For dramatic effect, you know. He's at the Tim Hortons in Alberta, Canada, and dont worry, I know exactly which one."

"You mean you've been travelling back and forth between here and Canada this whole time to see him? Why the heck is he there?!?!" 

Shiro grabbed Pidge by the collar suddenly and breathed heavily with rage. Oh no. 

"THE SANCTITY OF DONUTS! FOR GODS SAKES DON'T YOU GET IT?!?! HE'S THE DONUT KING! HE HAS TO PROTECT THEM! HE HAS TO RULE OVER DONUT KIND!" 

Allura grumbled. "If we go can I get a coffee. I'm exhausted. Fighting Lotor who is now a quintessent mutant creature really put me out..."

Pidge shushed her this time. "STOP! THEY CAN'T KNOW THIS YET! WHY ARE YOU ALL SO DIFFICULT!!!" 

Shiro still didn't put her down. And Pidge was feeling quite uncomfortable. He was really strong. 

"DONUT CHANGE THE SUBJECT!" 

Everyone went silent. 

...

.....

.  
.  
.

Keith burst into the room, laughing hysterically. Shiro began laughing hysterically too as Keith ran over and jumped midair with him, doing a freeze frame high five. They stayed frozen in midair. 

Lance squinted. "Didn't you eat him." 

Pidge's eye twitched. 

"Oh you will all be sorry. Sorry when I destroy you all with DANK MEMEZ!"

Pidge stormed out of the room, leaving everyone and the freeze framed Shiro and Keith still in a high five alone. 

Allura yawned. "So are we going to timmies to get Adam? Who's Tim again?" 

Hunk shrugged. "There's time before season 8 comes out, so lets go get him."


	2. the real road trip begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it is time to drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nobody can make chili

Everyone began packing. Pidge was going to drive them all there, so it was going to be a very, very, long trip. Yes, flying would have made way more sense, but Coran insisted a road trip would be a better way to actually bond better as a family. Lately things had been tense between them all lately, at least according to Coran. Pidge called poo on that, but that was kind of ironic considering she was the most tense of all right now. Shiro was even okay with it being a road trip, a proper one this time. He would be texting Adam the whole time too, so he wasn't in too much of a hurry. 

Shiro was the first one ready to go. He only had a small backpack of stuff. The essentials of course: toothbrush and toothpaste, shampoo, clean clothes, snacks, phone charger, notepad (he had mostly been using it for doodling; Keith had been teaching him how to draw, by Shiro's request of course. The more skills you can learn the better.) I mean, plus they could write down information on it. Anyways, last but not least, he packed his Altean arm polisher. Yes that's a real thing. He loved it. BLING! Look at that shine! It sparkled blindingly in the sunlight and blinded their old lady neighbour as Shiro walked to the car, causing her to trip over her lawn mower, as it took her for a ride and crashed into the neighbour across the streets house and exploded.

Shiro called into the house. ''Are you guys ready yet? I don't want to be waiting in the car forever, it's getting hot out.'' 

A giant, floppy, pink sparkling burrito rolled down the driveway. It was more blinding than his arm.

''Klance wait wait! Unfuse! UNFUSE!! YOU'RE GOING TO LAND RIGHT INTO ME-''

They knocked into Shiro, rolling him down into the street. A car crashed into the burrito and exploded.

''LOOK WHAT YOU GUYS DID! UNFUSE DAMMIT!''

The two obliged and unfused into Keith and Lance.

''Well sorry, but we just love being as close as possible, and being a giant fabulous burrito is the best way to do it!'' exclaimed Keith.

Shiro stood up, dusting himself off and walking back to the car. ''Wouldn't becoming canon in the last season be better? Which you will anyway. Can't you just be patient?''

Suddenly a kid appeared in the street, yelling, ''NO!!! WE LIKE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS AND NOT WAITING FOR ANYTHING!!! RIOT IN THE STREETS!! RIOT!! RIOTTTTTTTTT!!!'' 

Another kid, a little girl with pigtails, followed suit. ''Yeah! Season 7 was awful! They killed your boyfriend for no reason!''

Shiro sighed. ''See, this is why season 8 needs to come out and this can all be laid to rest. Don't worry kids, we're getting him back right now to explain everything. Then you wont have to see his surprise return in season 8. Happy?''

Both of the kids crossed their arms stubbornly, saying at the same time, ''Yes!''

Shiro raised his brow but didn't say anything more as he put his backpack in the backseat for easy access, then he went to sit in the front passengers seat. Pidge finally came out next, levitating creepily to the car and gently landing in the drivers seat. She had no bags.

''You didn't pack anything?'' Shiro asked her.

She grinned. ''I need nothing. I live off of the fire inside of me. That and junior mints.'' She took some out of her pocket and munched on them.

''You know that's not healthy for you...''

She glared at him. ''They are the only thing that can sustain me, actually. But nice try. Now where's everyone else?''

Allura came out next, with a medium sized overnight bag. Fair enough. She yawned as she sipped her favourite homemade brew, which she had put in her travel thermos, and sat in the back seat to the left.

''Put your thermos in the cup holder.'' Pidge commanded.

Allura roared at her. ''YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY COFFEE FROM ME!!'' The very fires of hell exploded from her rage. Oh no. This even scared Pidge.

''Okay okay, just make sure you don't spill it! Jeez...''

Allura turned back to normal, her normal relaxed self. ''Cool cool.''

Shiro had grabbed his backpack from the backseat and clutched it with fear. He didn't dare leave it back there with her. 

Keith and Lance had huge suitcases they put into the trunk. Lance sure, but you wouldn't think Keith had a lot of stuff he'd wanna bring, right? Wrong! He had 50 blade of marmora outfits and 500 sketchbooks, and millions of art supplies. He had to bring the artist essentials. When he got into the back seat, sitting down in the middle, he had a sketchbook with him already. He had already been drawing a whale wearing 3 tops hats stacked ontop of each other, and he looked amazing. Allura looked at it in confusion.

''What is that?'' she asked.

Keith answered as he continued to draw bubbles around the whale, ''Harry.''

''Really? It looks blubbery to me.''

Lance then went into the backseat beside Keith, having the right window. ''Is Keith drawing? Oooo I wanna see! What is it?''

''A whale named Harry. Isn't he cool? You can tell he's awesome because he has lots of hats!''

Allura leaned against her window, yawning. ''Yeah okay, anyways I'm just gonna start the nap early now.''

Hunk came rushing out finally with Coran, Hunk carrying two of his bags, and Coran...

Pidge stuck her head out the driver window. ''Coran, what the f**?''

Everyone gasped. No, the rating!

''What? I said fudge! Sheesh...''

Hunk looked at her in horror. ''No you most certainly did NOT!''

''Whatever, anyway, what the heck Coran?!?!''

Coran had a huge wagon of suitcases. Literally, he had dragged them all out onto the driveway in a big red wagon.

Coran shrugged dramatically. ''What?!?! I just packed all the essentials!''

Pidge shook her head. ''Nah, nah nah. You are only taking ONE. There is only room for ONE.''

Coran sighed, defeated. ''Fine. I'll take the most important one then.'' He grabbed the My Little Pony suitcase and stuck it in the trunk, along with Hunk's things. But hang on, there was a problem...

''Where the heck are we gonna sit Pidge?!?! You should have rented a van!'' Hunk exclaimed. 

Pidge shrugged. ''I wanted to use my own car, not borrow some stupid van. Don't worry, I updated it to have two floors.''

Just like that, Pidge pressed a big red button next to the gas gauge, and a second floor with two extra seats and fully covered, constructed itself atop the car.

Hunk and Coran stared at it in awe. Wow.

Hunk pointed at it. ''Uh. How are we gonna get up there?''

''I haven't installed the ladder yet, so just climb up the hood and jump in, action style! It's fine, just get in.'' 

Hunk and Coran looked at each other and shrugged, as they climbed up the hood and did just that. You would think Hunk would have struggled with that, but no, he has been through too much and grown so well. Don't make assumptions you coward. He can do it with ease, my guy! With ease! 

Now, everyone was in the car, ready to go. Allura was especially ready to go, so eager and excited, snoring in the backseat as she drifted off into dreamland. What a trooper. 

''Alright, looks like we're ready to go. Did anyone forget anything?''

Lance looked thoughtful for a second, then grabbed Keith's hand, squeezing it tight. 

''Nah, I got everything I'll ever need sitting right next to me.'' Lance said, like the cheesey son of a quiznak he was. 

''Awww!'' Shiro said.

Pidge sighed. ''Yeah good, great, anyways, let's get going.''

''Wait! What about Kosmo?'' Lance asked.

Keith did a dismissive wave of his hand. ''Don't worry about it, I have someone trustworthy watching him.''

Meanwhile...

Mickey Mouse panicked as he ran around his house, yelling Kosmo's named. Why did he have to owe that mullet man any favours, why...

''Kosmo?'' he called frantically, ''Kosmoooo?!?!''

Kosmo pounced him and licked him to death. Pluto was jealous as hell and threw a grenade at Kosmo, and the two began an all out war in Mickey's clubhouse. Devastation ensued the land.

Back to the gang... 

Coran and Hunk were having a blast in the upper level as the car took off down the street, both of them sticking their heads out the window like dogs, tongues hanging out, the wind blowing their hair.

''This is amazing!'' yelled Hunk, ''I'm so glad you installed this!'' 

''It is quite liberating!'' Coran commented, ''I see why dogs like it now!'' 

Pidge ran over John Travolta in a mouse costume, and no one spoke of it. As she turned a corner she ran over John Travolta again, who was wearing an alligator costume this time. Okay. Then again, but THIS time he was wearing a costume of himself! 

''What the...freaking...god?''

Pidge put her foot on the brake, and the car stopped with a screech, almost causing Hunk and Coran to fall out their windows.

Everyone got out of the car. 

''What's going on Pidge?'' asked Lance, ''is it- what the quiznak.''

In front of them, on the road, was a traffic back-up. A huge one. Because of the crowd of John Travolta clones wearing various costumes blocking everyone's path.

''Good. God.'' 

Now how were they gonna get past this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> but you can try


	3. Not the clones!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gargles lasagna

Nobody could believe what they were seeing. There were John Travoltas EVERYWHERE. How was this possible? Of course this had to happen on their road trip of all times. 

Lance had his hand on his hip in that usual sassy way, and oddly enough Keith did too. What the hell they totally both do that, dang, triple gay blast confirmo. 

"We cant drive through until all these Travoltas move. Are the cops taking care of this?" Lance inquired. 

The cops were trying their best, but kept getting swallowed whole by any Travolta they came too close to. What were they supposed to do? 

Now the swat team had showed up. But they were useless against the clones. Everyone who went near kept getting eaten. 

"It doesnt look like they have a handle on this..." commented Coran. 

"No freaking kidding? Where did these all come from anyway?" Pidge asked angrily. 

A cop, sweating with fear, made his way over to the group on his segway. It wasn't just any cop. It was Paul Blart himself. Oh no. 

"Sorry folks! I know you wanna get through, but my whole squad has been devoured by these savage beasts. I'm a big fan of you guys and everything though, so I brought you donuts!" 

Paul then handed each of them a donut. They were all moss flavoured. Pidge ate it without question, as she was immortal anyway. Coran ate it out of pure curiosity. 

"Why does this taste so bitter?" Coran asked. 

"Uh..." Keith tossed his away, "are you sure theres no way to get through this? We gotta get to Canada to get someone important." 

Pidge nodded. "Yeah, and fast. We only have a month until season 8 is out. We cant let a bunch of clones of mister cool in the 90s and now completely let himself go-volta, stand in our way." 

Paul Blart scratched his chin as he pondered. As he scratched, smarties spilled out of his chin. Coran gingerly picked them up and started sorting them by colour on the ground. 

"Well, I could let you guys borrow my segway. Its secretly a high powered rocket, but only has enough fuel to take you past the swarm of clones. Will that be enough?" 

Coran finished sorting the smarties, eating them carefully, making sure to eat the red ones last. "That could work", he commented, "we should all be able to fit ourselves on it. Are you sure you want to give it up for us?"

Paul nodded firmly. "Its for a good cause."

As he tried to get off the segway, he tripped, because Kevin James is always trippin, and rolled like a bowling ball into the crowd of clones, knocking them down. The segway went off too, flying straight into the arbys in the distance, exploding in a blaze of glory. 

"....well I guess we can get through now." said Hunk quietly, a little stunned by what was just witnessed. 

Everyone piled back into the car, driving through the bodies of the Travolta clones. Press F to pay respects.

Soon enough, the gang made it onto the highway, just as the sun was setting. This was going to be an incredible trip indeed. Who knows what else could be thrown their way? 

Everyone was starting to get sleepy, dozing off in their seats. Pidge was too, and took this as a sign to pull over. She was immortal sure, but her friends were not. Well, except maybe Keith and Lance when they were a burrito. 

She turned to everyone in the back, speaking loud enough so Coran and Hunk could hear her too. "Can we go to a motel guys? We're clearly all tired, and I cant keep driving like this. I mean, unless you want me to crash." 

Hunk yawned deeply, nodding. "Its pretty comfy up here I wont lie, but it's probably best we stay somewhere for the night." 

Shiro looked over at Keith and Lance, who had fallen asleep on each other already, Lance snoring loudly. Keith didnt even stir. How he could handle that sound was incredible, but that was love, everyone supposed. He looked back at Pidge.

"Yeah, I think I see a motel up ahead anyway. We'll go stay there for the night." 

Pidge nodded. "Roger that." 

As they pulled up into the motel parking lot, they didnt realize they were being watched from a window of one of the rooms by a mysterious figure. A figure shaped oddly like... a tic tac. And it wasnt alone, as silhouettes of more of these figures watched through the window, babbling incoherently. 

Oh...

Oh NOOOOOOOOoooooo-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spitta the lasag


	4. It gets worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh God it gets worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> run *bass drops*

Pidge sat on the motel bed, carving on a piece of wood with a hunting knife. Where the hell she was getting this stuff, nobody dared ask. 

Hunk yawned. He was stuck sharing the bed with her, as Keith and Lance got the other bed, and Shiro and Coran each got their own sleeping bag. He was a little scared but, it would have to do. 

"I'm gonna hit the hay. Are you just gonna keep doing that?" Hunk asked Pidge. 

She turned her head around without moving the rest her body, like an owl. "Yes. Dont worry, you can have the bed to yourself. I dont need sleep." 

"...o...okay then. I'll just uh...yeah..." 

Hunk lay down and fell asleep almost instantly. 

Outside the motel room, the tic tac shaped things had gathered around the window, peering in creepily. 

"Babadoo" one said to another. 

Pidge finished carving. It was Shreks face mixed with Donkeys and it looked horrifying. She ate it immediately. 

"Good. Extra nutrition." 

She then noticed they were being watched. She quickly ran over to the window. 

"Hey! The hecken in a schmeken is this?!?!" 

"BACA DOO!" 

A sea of minions crashed through the motel window, carrying the group away like a tidal wave. Pidge tried stabbing the minions with her knife, but they were cold and unfeeling. It didn't work. 

"WHATS HAPPENINGGGG" Shiro shouted. 

"I DONT KNOW BUT IT FEELS GREAT!" Coran shouted back. He was giggling with joy as he surfed over them. 

There must have been thousands of them. Where were they taking them?!?! They had carried them miles away from the motel by now. Suddenly, the minions began dragging them underground, burrowing deep into the earths core. 

"I knew it was only a matter of time..." Pidge muttered to herself. 

Hunk screamed as he desperately tried to escape their grasp. The hole that was opening up in the ground expanded more and more as the minions dragged them under. 

"PIDGE! HELP!" he shouted at her. 

Pidge shrugged. "No." 

"WHAT?!?! THATS IT?!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO! PIDGE! PIDGEEEE"

"Its not like I can escape either anyway dude! Just let this happen." she retorted. 

Keith and Lance instinctively formed into a protective burrito, but that was a mistake as it only made them heavier as they fell deep into the core below, splashing into the lava. 

"KEITH!! LANCE!! NOOOOOOOOooo" Hunk shouted in despair as he too was dragged down into the lava. 

Shiro sighed. "I know you guys hate me but do you really have to keep trying to kill me off? Say la vee." He saluted as he fell next. 

Pidge yawned. "Yeah whatever." She fell then too. 

Coran waved his arms in the air, shouting WHEEEEEEEEE and was the last to go down. The rest of the minions morphed and changed, patching up the hole in the ground, becoming one with the earth yet again. 

The gang all woke up after what felt like ages, in a bright, pink room. How...? 

Not only that, they were all hanging in cages. 

Pidge groaned as she stood up. She looked beside her to see she was sharing her cage with Hunk. She shook him. 

"HEY! AWAKEN SLEEPY BEAUTY!" 

Hunk groaned too as he woke up. "Ugh...its sleeping beauty..." 

"Non it is not" Pidge said in a French accent. 

Hunk looked around. The brightness of the pink caused him to shield his eyes. 

"Good lord that's bright! Wait...are we in cages?!?! Where are we?!?!" Hunk shouted as he grabbed onto the cage bars.

Pidge shrugged. "At least we're not dead."

She looked around at the other cages hanging in the room. The klance burrito was shoved into one, barely fitting. "WE REFUSE TO UNFUSE" they shouted in unison as one burrito. 

Shiro and Coran were in another cage. Shiro was looking around in fear as Coran looked around in wonder. 

"PINK...NO." whispered Shiro, anxiety in his voice. 

Coran looked on with sparkling eyes. "What's the big deal? It's so beautiful!" 

Shiro shook his head as he moved into the fetal position, cradling himself. "N-NO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND, ITS..." 

Just then, a godzilla roar could be heard. The very ground shook with each step as whatever it was entered the room.

They all looked down from their cages at it. 

It was a giant Hello Kitty. It roared as it beat its chest. 

Hunk screamed as he backed into the corner of their cage. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" 

Meanwhile, back at the motel, Allura exited the bathroom, rubbing her eyes. 

"I fell asleep on the toilet again, what's going on-" 

She then noticed the broken window, and that everyone was gone. She stood there for a moment, thinking. 

Then shrugged, sitting down on the bed and turning on the TV.

**Author's Note:**

> Baked beans


End file.
